My Internal Struggle

When our practices and behaviours are at odds with each other, what can we do?

I wrote this reflection in my journal recently and wanted to share.

The positive impact of my practices are clear. However, as I sit here and write this reflection, it’s evident I’ve been fighting myself for quite some time now when it comes to my practices, habits, and behaviours. They’re not meshing together. Not synergized. Not aligned. Instead, they’re causing friction and an internal conflict that is difficult to mediate. It’s exhausting at times.

This is what my internal struggle looks like.

When my practices and behaviours, healthy and unhealthy, are at odds with each other, I feel disjointed at best. Paralyzed at worst. But the real pain comes from how I feel about myself. How I see myself. Disappointment and shame pull me into some pretty dark places.

How I see myself might be the biggest challenge I face. I know this to be true and have felt this my entire life. The waves of self-doubt erode my confidence and crash down on my vision, my dreams. But the tides ebb and flow. Waves dissipate. And I find myself again in calmer waters. I am able to regain my sense of self and carry on, recovering my lost confidence and able to re-engage in the practices and exhibit the behaviours that make me whole. I feel this as I write these words.

I know the big waves will be back again and I will have a choice to make as to how I’ll navigate them.

When I reflect on these moments, that’s all I really have I suppose. A choice to make. Moment to moment. Day to day. I have the ability to choose. I need to make better choices. I need to capture the feelings I have right now as a result of engaging in a practice I love. Writing. Keep writing.

We all have moments in our day when we have a decision to make. Seemingly banal and insignificant, simple moments that have real impact. These are the choices we are faced with on a daily basis that influence who we are and who we want to be.

Should I grab that book or scroll social media? A cup of tea or a glass of wine? Nap or work out? Ok, never giving up my naps… let’s be honest. But that doesn’t mean I can’t work out. Life doesn’t have to be an either/or proposition. Life is about finding a balance and giving more time and energy to the things that are healthy and make me whole as opposed to the things that don’t.

I like to use the metaphor of the ocean. The ebb and flow of the tides of life, and the waves that come crashing down on me, pulling me into dangerous waters. The key is learning to stem the tide, skillfully and thoughtfully navigating the rough waters to ensure my safety and maintain my course. That might sound a bit dramatic, but when I don’t do the things that make me whole and healthy, I can fall into a dark place.

While I see this as the ebb and flow of life, you may think of this as a crossroads. Others may see their internal struggle differently.

Regardless of what it is we are fighting against and how we choose to define this struggle, we really do have a choice. The real question is, do we have the tools, the knowledge and perhaps even the wisdom to make the right choice? If not, what can we do?

Perhaps this is where we need the support of others to pull us back to shore to catch our breath. To see more clearly. To know we are not alone. Not someone to save us, but to simply lend us a hand when we need it. This, in and of itself, is a tool we as humans possess. The tool is called connection, exercised through our relationships.

Friend. Brother. Sister. Father. Mother. Son. Daughter. Colleague. Team mate. Mentor. And the list goes on. Regardless of the role we play and the challenges we face, we all need, from time to time, the support of others to augment the internal skills and abilities we possess to overcome our suffering.

I like to think of it this way. While some of my tools involve journaling, walking, or meditating, I also have the ability and opportunity to connect with others. It’s important for me to know this as I navigate my way through the challenges I face in life.

Connection is important. Conversation is important. Community is important.

Simply put, I have a choice to make. I own my actions and I am responsible for my choices. But when I stumble, I need to have the courage to ask for help. And while I know it’s ultimately up to me, I also know I am not alone. And that feels good. I know I have people in my life I can rely on to help me make the right choice. The choice to be the person I want to be. The person I know I can be.

This is my internal struggle.

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The Men Moving Through Life Discussion Group will kick things off in 2025 with our first session scheduled for Wednesday, January 29 at 7:30 PM Eastern Time. If you’re a man and you’re interested in joining the conversation, please message or email me at joe@unum1.ca for registration details.

Invitation

Thank you for taking the time to check out my Substack. I’ll be posting more content and sharing my thoughts on all things related to the human experience as well as topics focused on men’s health and well-being. If you’d like to know more about me, my coaching practice, upcoming workshops, or you’d simply like to connect, feel free to reach out to me directly at joe@unum1.ca. Or, visit my website for more info.