I have been reflecting on this question a lot recently. It has elicited a great deal of thought and introspection as to the role I play in this world as a man and the kind of person I strive to be, for myself and others.
In our most recent discussion group, I raised this question to those in attendance as part of the Men Moving Through Life community. The responses were incredibly thoughtful, articulate, and in some cases, emotional. In my experience, a great deal of how men see themselves seems comes back to two things: First, it’s our ability and/or responsibility to provide for others and be a positive role model in the process. Second, it comes back to the concept of masculinity and how men may (or may not) be perceived by society. But under it all, colouring our perspective, is a sense of how we are perceived by society and the labels that have been placed on us, fairly or not.
As we shared our own unique personal journey as men, it was clear that a common thread brought us together. Each of the eleven men on the call were all curious enough and courageous enough to want to engage in a conversation about what it means to be a man. I suppose the point I am trying to make is that regardless of our individual response to this question, the real value in this exercise is the fact that men are wanting to talk.
As we navigated our way through some sensitive topics related to what it means to be a man, one of the participants offered a suggestion after meditating on the question for himself. Instead of asking what it means to be a man, he reframed the question to “What kind of man do I want to be?”
This hit hard and has been sitting with me for a few days now. As I attempt to understand and articulate everything that was discussed during this one-hour session, one take-away stands out for me - I am less and less concerned about societal stereotypes and generalizations and more focused on men (including myself) defining for themselves who they are as men. Generalizations are rarely accurate and in the case of men, I feel have been destructive and polarizing. This is especially true for young men who are feeling lost. Young men who lack mentors that would help them move through these existential questions to navigate their lives with a sense of confidence and purpose.
Having said that, I’m 53 and still look to my mentors for guidance.
Men trying to figure out who they are as men and determine what kind of man they want to be should be a personal journey that focuses more on our own personal construct as opposed to who society says we are. This goes beyond traditional male stereotypes and shifts attention to behaviours and character traits. Being a man shouldn’t only rest on how masculine you are (or are not). Shouldn’t being a man also be about maturity, self-regulation, strength, courage, empathy, and compassion among other things? Yes, masculinity is important, but it can’t be the only marker we use to define who we are as men. This is where I take exception to the current usage of the term toxic masculinity, but that’s another article for another day!
So, whether the question is “what does it mean to be a man” or “what kind of man do you want to be” the important thing is the conversation. The important thing is men feeling comfortable and safe enough to share and discuss such personal and emotional topics with other men. The important thing is men role modelling healthy behaviours such as this for young men so they in turn, feel comfortable and safe enough to share their own stories and perspectives.
We need meaningful conversations. We need to connect men with other men to develop healthy relationships. And finally, men need a sense of community to know we are not alone.
Conversation. Connection. Community.
So, where do we go from here and how do we make this happen?
All of this leads me back to my previous point of men deciding for themselves who they are and what type of man they aspire to be. But how do we do this? What’s the starting point? What is required of us to create this space and facilitate this dialogue?
Before we can even get to conversation, connection, and community, we need to ensure the environment we create to facilitate this is conducive to this type of engagement. And what I’ve learned from the numerous conversations I’ve had with men from around the world is that we need to create space where men don’t feel inadequate, judged, and/or emasculated. This is essential to the process and can’t be overlooked. For all men, but especially young men.
Men need to feel they are enough and that they are not alone.
Men need to feel they are accepted for who they are.
And men need to feel like men.
If we can do this, men will continue to have meaningful conversations, build connections, and develop community all in the name of what it means to be a man - a better man.
Join the Conversation
The next session for the Men Moving Through Life Discussion Group has been scheduled for Wednesday, February 26 at 7:30 PM Eastern Time. If you’re a man and you’re interested in joining the conversation, please message or email me at joe@unum1.ca for registration details.
Invitation
Thank you for taking the time to check out my Substack. I’ll be posting more content and sharing my thoughts on all things related to the human experience as well as topics focused on men’s health and well-being. If you’d like to know more about me, my coaching practice, upcoming workshops, or you’d simply like to connect, feel free to reach out to me directly at joe@unum1.ca. Or, visit my website for more info.